Thursday, February 24, 2011

Laura's Line

You may have heard Google has listed my office phone number and address for just about every state government service imaginable. I've gone through phases of the many stages when it comes to dealing with this: denial, frustration, anger, acceptance. After a couple days of having fun with it, I've looped back into avoidance. I just don't answer my phone.

But if you've stepped into my office at any given time the past couple months you might have overheard me say the following:

Hey Kiley, after listening to your message I suggest you have your boyfriend take a paternity test before you put his name on the birth certificate. Oh, and you got the wrong number. know, I’m actually not sure how you get a business license. I hear you can do it online. When you find out will you call me back and let me know?

What’s softy base?

We don’t offer any anger management classes here, but did you see the movie Anger Management? It sucked right?

Hi,’re getting married tomorrow...and you need a marriage license today? First: congratulations. Second: How long have you known this guy...

You saw a cute dog on KSL? A female terrior? Aww...sorry, you have the wrong number. My sister is looking for a dog. Did you have a dog growing up? I had a Lhasa Apso.

Yes, please hold while I look up “quit claim deed” so I can better pretend to assist you.

How long have you had the restraining order out on your ex husband?

Sorry, this isn’t the West Jordan pregnancy hotline.

You want me to calibrate your ice truck meters?

Hey, sorry about your cattle. I don’t have them.

Okay, okay. I need you to calm down. Did you see the person who threw away your stuff? Oh she’s your friend? Man, that sucks.

Hi Rob, I don’t know what it means to shorten the barrel on your shotgun, but I’m going to say it’s highly illegal. And please, stay away from me and my family.


SRA said...

Congrats on becoming SL's 411/211/everything else operator.

Saule Cogneur said...

Best. Side job. Ever.

For like two days.

Also, Anger Management was an abomination - even by Adam Sandler standards.

Ang said...

Oh that is painful. You should write a book about the questions you get.